How to be a good listener
(Originally published Sep 10, 2024)
I believe good listening is healing. When someone is willing and able to hold space, listen and have a little empathy, it helps us feel seen and supported, and restores a sense of self, well-being and wholeness.
It takes energy, presence, intention and skill to hold space well.
I’m sharing a few of my own personal guidelines below with the intention of supporting better listening. Conversation is fluid. In reality, every relationship and listening container is a little different. I invite you to take what resonates and ignore the rest.
First, the Agreement
I find it helpful to explicitly ask for what you need, so that there is clarity and clear consent (e.g. “Do you have 15 minutes to hold space for me today? I need someone to just listen and help me process something.”). This arrangement shows care for both parties and respects boundaries.
It’s important to accept that people may not always have the capacity to hold space, and accept that a ‘no’ is not personal.
It’s also important to allow needs, boundaries and consent to change during the conversation.
How to Listen Well
Focus on the other person’s story and perspective. Actually listen. This means you respond to what’s important to them, not your priorities.
Accept their experience as valid. When three people experience the same event together, there are three different experiences. How we perceive things is shaped by a lifetime of experience, not a singular event.
Offer support and empathy. In a world built around external validation, many need help to even accept their perspective as true and valid. When we are in healthy relationship with ourselves, we naturally accept that our feelings matter. However, it is common to need help to articulate and acknowledge our experience. It is part of being human to need a little support, love and care.
Be curious, ask questions. This supports understanding and can help the speaker process things, and return to a state of internal equilibrium, where they will be better resourced to manage their feelings and make better decisions.
Acknowledge and leverage the person’s own wisdom, creativity and resilience. If problem-solving help is requested, I try to ask questions that help the speaker find their own solution. This is a technique used in coaching, using powerful questions to invite a fresh perspective and get the client to create a way forward that makes sense for them. (E.g. What do you really want? What’s most important for you here?)
Be Mindful Of …
Frequent interruptions and long digressions about your own experience. It’s rarely helpful for the listener to re-live their pain and vent. If there is an insight you wish to offer, be clear and specific. If something is triggering, gently extract yourself from the conversation.
Stay grounded in yourself and speak calmly. There is a big difference between compassionately sharing someone’s frustration, and escalating emotional distress by adding your own rant. Being grounded can also protect you from feeling drained and exhausted, helping to maintain healthy personal boundaries.
Avoid imposing your own values, bias and model of reality. Telling someone to take a specific approach just because it’s what you would do is simply not helpful and can create frustration. Imposing scarcity, worry or fear-based beliefs can also create more harm.
To be able to feel seen and supported is healing. A coaching session with me involves many of these skills, in order to help people process their experience, deepen self-awareness, and move forward with greater clarity and confidence. I offer a free 30-minute chat to explore if we’re a good fit, book a session here.
